I was riding on the Mayflower when I thought I spied some land
I yelled for Captain Arab, I have you understand
Who came running to the deck, said, "Boys, forget the whale
Look on over yonder, cut the engines, change the sails"
"Haul on the bowline", we sang that melody
Like all tough sailors do when they are far away at sea
"I think I'll call it America", I said as we hit land
I took a deep breath, I fell down, I could not stand
Captain Arab, he started writing up some deeds
He said, "Let's set up a fort, then start buyin' the place with beads"
Just then this cop comes down the street, crazy as a loon
He throws us all in jail for carryin' harpoons
Ah, me I busted out, don't even ask me how
I went to get some help, I walked by a Guernsey cow
Who directed me down to the Bowery slums
Where people carried signs around, sayin', "Ban the bums"
I jumped right into line, sayin', "I hope that I'm not late"
When I realized I hadn't eaten for five days straight
I went into a restaurant lookin' for the cook
I told them I was the editor of a famous etiquette book
The waitress, he was handsome, he wore a powder-blue cape
I ordered some suzette, I said, "Could you please make that crepe"
Just then the whole kitchen exploded from boilin' fat
Food was flyin' everywhere, I left without my hat
Now, I didn't mean to be nosy, but I went into a bank
To get some bail for Arab and all the boys back in the tank
They asked me for some collateral and I pulled down my pants
They threw me in the alley, when up comes this girl from France
Who invited me to her house, I went, but she had a friend
Who knocked me out and robbed my boots and I was on the street again
Well, I rapped upon a house with the U.S. flag upon display
I said, "Could you help me out? I got some friends down the way"
The man says, "Get out of here, I'll tear you limb from limb"
I said, "You know, they refused Jesus, too", he said, "You're not Him"
"Get out of here before I break your bones, I ain't your pop"
I decided to have him arrested and I went looking for a cop
I ran right outside, I hopped inside a cab
I went out the other door, this Englishman said, "Fab"
As he saw me leap a hot dog stand and a chariot that stood
Parked across from a building advertising brotherhood
I ran right through the front door like a hobo sailor does
But it was just a funeral parlor and the man asked me who I was
I repeated that my friends were all in jail, with a sigh
He gave me his card, he said, "Call me if they die"
I shook his hand and said, "Goodbye", ran out to the street
When a bowling ball came down the road and knocked me off my feet
A pay phone was ringing and it just about blew my mind
When I picked it up and said, "Hello", this foot came through the line
Well, by this time I was fed up at tryin' to make a stab
At bringin' back any help for my friends and Captain Arab
I decided to flip a coin, like either heads or tails
Would let me know if I should go back to ship or back to jail
So I hocked my sailor suit and I got a coin to flip
It came up tails, it rhymed with sails, so I made it back to the ship
Well, I got back and took the parkin' ticket off the mast
I was ripping it to shreds when this Coast Guard boat went past
They asked me my name and I said, "Captain Kidd"
They believed me but they wanted to know what exactly that I did
I said, for the Pope of Eruke I was employed
They let me go right away, they were very paranoid
Well, the last I heard of Arab, he was stuck on a whale
That was married to the deputy sheriff of the jail
But the funniest thing was, when I was leavin' the bay
I saw three ships a-sailin', they were all heading my way
I asked the captain what his name was
And how come he didn't drive a truck
He said his name was Columbus, I just said, "Good luck"